Are you a good mother? If you clicked on this essay, you probably are. You’re no doubt aware that your role is quite important for various health and well-being outcomes, and perhaps you spend time wondering if you are doing it right.

That’s just the sort of thing a good mother worries about, along with a bazillion other things. You probably wonder if your child is sleeping too much or maybe too little. Or growing too slowly or maybe too quickly. And if you are a new parent, you have probably started to worry about teaching your child how to chew. (Please, take this one off your list.)

Are you a perfect mother? I certainly hope not. Being a perfect mother is actually quite harmful. What would a perfect mother even be? Infinitely available or infinitely responsive to their child? Good grief! If that were even possible, it would be a terrible idea. (And thinking you are a perfect mother probably makes you suspect.)

A child’s caregivers are the template for their future relationships, and relationships are not one-way. Do you want to raise a child who believes that the people around them exist primarily to meet their needs? Better that they learn, in an age-appropriate way, that give and take is important in all close relationships.

Being flawed is actually part of a mother’s job. Maybe even the most important part. How else would the children in your world learn that flaws are OK and to accept their own?

And yet, mothers are constantly getting the message that they might not be doing quite enough. It comes from everywhere — books, influencers, their own children. And don’t get me started on mothers-in-law. But an important part of the problem comes from the history of my own field.